Tuesday, January 10, 2017

sometimes

sometimes I dream about the past and climbing trees and running full speed barefoot in the dark summer night feet wet with dew and coloring with crayons in my dad's old shirts and making ridiculous videos with my sister and listening to my dad's calm voice reading narnia books aloud. sometimes I miss how I never thought twice about what other people thought about me or if they even did. I dream about being too tan and having bangs and wearing my favorite tshirt and ugly shorts.

sometimes I dream about the future and being a successful journalist and having my own apartment where I decorate how I like and have my own schedule. I dream about traveling and researching and writing about things I care about in sweatpants in front a sprawling window view. I imagine life with kids and chaos and goodness and bleary eyed nights typing in front of the fire with my husband by my side.



and then sometimes I remember about the present and what I get to live right now- a weekend snowed in spent jumping across rows of hay bales topped with snow and falling backwards into drifts of snow. I remember walking on the snow watching the sun set and my nose red from the cold, the way the light reflected off of and left in shadows the white blanket over the earth. I finished a stellar novel, rewatched Les Mis, saw the new Sherlock (and died but ok), wore sweatpants everyday, started a study on 1+2+3 John and journaled for the first time in years. And I remember that this weekend I'm getting a new haircut and a new swimsuit, flying to Florida, going to the fair, going to the beach all with the friends I've missed for months (will probably get a post on this lol).




and then sometimes I can't believe that I'm living this life and that I could let the devil convince me that this isn't exactly where I'm supposed to be. it's so much more than I could ask or think. and, sometimes- man, sometimes I actually feel like the most blessed human on earth.

28 comments:

  1. Wnxownfndldnwzkglsnswfn......words can not describe how I feel about this post!!!! Your writing is just so totally awesome!!!! You describe things so well....I'm in love with it.

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  2. so much goodness, wow. God is so good, isn't he :)

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  3. Wow, that was awesome!! And just what I needed to hear, thank you!

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  4. oh my goodness this gave me sooo many feels, I LOVE THIS.

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  5. This is so gorgeous <3 your writing is awesome.

    Ellie | On the Other Side of Reality

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  6. This is so beautiful, like WOWOWOWO*dies*

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  7. wow I can relate so much... beautifully written!

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  8. PREPARE THYSELF FOR A LONG(ISH) COMMENT. squee.

    i've been thinking so hard about this. so you hit me right in the heart and it's like i ran so hard that i have to stand still for a moment to catch my breath.
    today was a memory day. something so big and hard and tinged with a honey-like sadness. because i thought about all those things. the younger days when summer was between my toes, and i was climbing those trees so wildly. and we'd run around and dad was in the house cutting watermelon and we'd have it dripping down our chins.
    but man.
    it stung. and i tasted it on my lips and i threw my head back and shut my eyes. the sun was warm on my eyelids, and the wind blew my hair all over.
    moving on.
    maybe that's it. and i felt it in my chest. because i was different today. it was an older sort of day. i wore my tshirt that's too big and i went barefoot in the wet and cold mud. and i ate too many brownies and worked hard.
    something missing.
    and yet, i was still content.
    because it was like i let something go. it's like clearing out your house and it's so empty. time to move on. that feeling. or maybe when you're moving into a new house and it's so full of adventure. both of those mixed into one. losing and gaining something.
    new space.

    today was a little hard. but it was really good.

    and i also thought about the future. i get so excited about the future that i just start dancing around the kitchen. because i'M GOING TO LAUGH WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE'LL MAKE MESSES AND EAT TOO MANY BROWNIES AND DO THINGS TOGETHER AND IT WON'T BE LIKE NOW. (now is full of the realization that your best friends are growing up and changing.)

    but as i was wiping the counter off tonight, i was struck with the thought that we should live more in the present. i mean, i already knew that. but it was like BAM CALLY GIRL YOU NEED TO LIVE HERE NOW. and i was like God??? why??

    and there He was.

    because this is the day that the Lord has made. and i think it's good to look forward, but we should live in the now. do not make expectations for the future (like who knows? maybe your husband will be messier than your sister and you find out that you'll still be cleaning up that same old mess for the rest of your life. DO IT IN LOVE.).

    i think that's all to say that Now is good.
    and hoping is good. and looking back is good.

    but....wow. just soak in these moments. just like you did back then. God is crazy good. amen on the blessed part. yikes. exactly where we're meant to be. spot on. x

    p.s. this was a little scrambled and maybe the point got lost. whoops. but...yeah. i just loved this post and needed to spill a bit of my heart. what what.

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    1. oh my gosh i'm so sorry this was like 20843382 times longer than i thought it would be whoops DYING LAUGHING. xxx

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  9. i'm just sitting here laughing at cally's comment because i am just a proud best friend and i am also swallowing hard because this post is exactly it.

    God is so good. we are so blessed. to know Christ, to be the chosen few that love Him so meagerly, even when He loves so well. that is incredible.

    so much love. xx

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  10. I just... I just love this so much. I live in all sorts of worlds -- the past, the present, the future, and for some reason reading it through another perspective gives me all the feels. You have such a gift with words, Olivia, and I am forever in awe.

    katie grace
    a writer's faith

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  11. Oh my gosh. right in the soul. This is so powerful and beautiful
    <3

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  12. You are dreaming very beautifully. You have a beautiful heart. It is nice to be a journalist, to write, to travel. These were the dreams of my youth. I wanted a small bird house, a good wife and lovely cute kids. Thank God I can say that I have the grace. I hope your dreams come true too. Maybe the wind will set you free. One day the road may fall to Turkey. You will be blessed in the magic of Istanbul. Maybe friendships leave our bitter chocolate taste on our beatings. Maybe a memorial to Istanbul will be held. Maybe you'll find what you hoped for. Love and love.

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  13. like how is that so relatable. the first paragraph could be a scene from my childhood. honestly I just want to say that God has really, REALLY gifted you with writing and don't ever stop ok? I think He will really use you as a journalist <3 ok I'm bad with compliments so I'm done xx

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  14. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

    Hailey
    haileyhudson.wordpress.com

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  15. I THINK WE ARE TWINS CUZ THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO ME.

    thank you tho, for opening up and sharing your dreams. I feel like mine have to stay bottled up for some reason. Ever see that quote "don't tell people your dreams, show them" IDK WHY BUT THAT LIKE STRUCK ME so now I stay silent. maybe I should find a happy medium??

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  16. Man oh man, God is just so mind blowingly good. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, too, and I'm just so thankful for where I am right now. I get trapped in memories way too often, but I really am so thankful for the here and now.

    You are so freaking gifted with words, Olivia. I know you're going to make an incredible journalist. <3

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  17. Replies
    1. ps i know you're gonna be a GREAT journalist :):)

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  18. Hey,
    Your writing is so wonderful:) sometimes I fell exactly the same with thinking about future and past.
    Love lea

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  19. Wow this is so beautiful.

    Hanne
    rockandminerals4him.wordpress.com

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  20. Yes!

    and then sometimes I can't believe that I'm living this life and that I could let the devil convince me that this isn't exactly where I'm supposed to be.

    Sometimes we get so caught up with reliving past nostalgia or future hopes that we forget about the presents joys God gives us!

    Thank you bunches for this reminder, Olivia! (P.s., if you get two comments, delete one. Something messed up and I wasn't sure if the first one went through :))

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  21. I literally feel the same way and so this post really just relates with me! That is one of the things I so so appreciate about your blog. It's definitely so hard to look to the future and look at what is coming next which we think will be even better. Living life in the PRESENT is something I'm focusing on right now because your life's legacy is in the everyday moments, not the "next moment."

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  22. That quote by Tolkein - it might just be my absolute favorite. I consider myself very much a wanderer.

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  23. In love with this post. Honestly, this is how I've felt lately. Thank you for this.
    xx
    steph
    strictlystephanie.blogspot.com

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  24. Love this
    Chloee
    sparkofmads.blogspot.com

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