is this not sacred

If Jesus lived through years of his life working a carpenters job 

Sweating, getting splinters, dirty feet, and aching muscles, 

Bruised, thirsty and altogether unremarkable, the illegitimate son of––

If If If

Then––

Is this not sacred too?

Is this not holy war 

And faithful, fearful

Living before the face of God

This living

This body

This temple

This secret

This holy place

Here?

Are you sure?

Here?

You want to dwell—

With me?

What kind of god is

This?

That chooses to dwell

Holy

In the dirt

With the dust 

That betrayed him

To make a home 

Out of us

What is this sacred life?

This living

This breathing

This dying

This eating

This waking

This working

This sleeping

This human body 

To a never dying soul 

This is holy ground

Jesus walks here

Dwells here

Abides here

Makes all things new here

Is this the secret?

He is here

you touch me

You touch me

    –What?
You lay your hands on my body
    –No.

My body is vulnerable
Weak, open
Too open

My body is sexual
And I can't

Stop it

My body is an object
To be used
By the hands laid on it

It is not safe

    –But you are safe.

Your hands, my God

    –They are safe.

Your hands are gentle

Healing

Not intrusive

Your hands,

They hold me

They are only good intentions

You know me. My body. Its scars. Its openness, vulnerability, beauty, sexuality, physicality, spirituality, trauma, insecurity, its comforts and discomforts. You know the darkness, the brokenness, bruises beneath the surface. 

    –Ow, it's still sore there. 

You know. You know the dirt beneath my nails.

    –Is it dirt? I don't remember.

You know the lies that have shaded my eyes, sealed my lips shut.

You know this body. You formed this body of death. You loved this body of death, this house to a soul. You died to redeem it. You laid your hands on me in the grave. I am not clean. I am dirty and it's ugly here and I don't know how to talk about it. You came to me in the dark when I was weak, defensive. I did not know who you were. 

I only knew gentle hands that didn't rip me open, did not tear me down. You do not ask where it hurts. You know all my bruises.

You wore my death in your own body on a tree in your flesh. It rose up in your throat from your lungs, stealing your breath, suffocating you. Yes– you know my shame. You drank it whole. You stole it away from me.

My body is flesh and bones and dust and divine touch

And you lay your hands on this dirt

And make me come alive in your arms

You take me into your house of healing and you touch everywhere it hurts

And I am not afraid

You take the hurt over and over 

I did not know you were taking it 

yourself in through your fingertips 

on my skin

You trade me 

Life for death

Life for death

Life for death

Until it's all that's left

In this body of death

to be seen

He holds me in His strong arms
He wipes my dirty face with His dirty hands,
Rough scarred and gentle

He looks at me
And I am terrified of being seen

He looks at me
And I cannot understand
How absolutely satisfied He is with me

He loves my mind,
The way my hair falls when I wake up
The way I tap my foot when I’m alone

He takes joy and pride in his work in me
That I am who I am, formed in his own mind and heart,
Utterly His own, in His own likeness

He delights Himself in me
In me?
In me

If He is perfect and
He is content with me
He is overjoyed that I am His daughter
He is excited that I am coming home
He is attentive to me and my cries and anger and lostness and joys and laughter and all that makes my aching heart beat faster

If I am His love
And He is mine

Then I can be at rest
In His arms–
In the darkness and the light

I am on my way home
I am coming home to You

even the darkness

Even the darkness

Even the darkness

Even the darkness

Even the darkness

I repeat to myself in the darkness

I scream to myself in the darkness

I breathe to myself in the darkness

In the garden

Was it not darkness to you?

In the garden

When your sweat and blood mixed with the dirt

and your body weary, strained, crying,

knowing what was coming next?

Were you afraid when you asked your Father to take it away,

when you pleaded if there's any other way,

knowing there was none?

Did you love him so much it hurt?

Was it physical, emotional, spiritual, mental–

the excruciating pain?

Did you love me so much it hurt?

The thought of being separated, torn apart,

despised, buried, suffocating, abandoned 

by your friends as you chose to die eternally for them

Was it dark to you then?

It is dark to me sometimes

I see redemption coming,

but, here, it is dark

— olivia gwyn

Even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139:12

I wrote this for a friend

I keep looking for myself elsewhere

People keep telling me to keep looking 

But I keep losing myself elsewhere

I don't know how that happens when

I've never even felt like I've found

myself

enough to lose

myself

Yet I keep looking and losing but 

for once I would like to find something 

worth keeping

to be found

worth keeping

The darkening makes

me feel worth

discarding

It's lonely here

But you find me here

Over and over again

You walk with me

On paths my feet know too well

Through the dark all night

The dawning makes

me feel worth

something

Maybe everything

Because you gave everything to

Find me and

Keep me and

Show me that you

Found me

Worth keeping–

Till the end

"I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

my soul knows it

your works are wonderful- 

in me, in my soul, in my body.

your works are wonderful-

in the way my hand holds this pen 

and the mess from my mind

spills onto this page.

your works are wonderful-

in the length of my legs

and the color of my eyes

and the thinness of my lips.

your works are wonderful- 

in how you led me to yourself

opened my eyes

and made me walk in the light.

your works are wonderful-

in my hands' caring for others 

in the tears I wish away

in the peace and unrest I carry with me at all times

your works are wonderful-

my soul knows it very well.

psalm 139:14.

look at me

and I will put my hope again
in things that have proven to fail me
and He'll remind me again
torn hands gentle on my face
look at Me


let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. hebrews 12:2.

for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 corinthians 13:12.

leaving home

I don't know if I'm ready to write this.

You never know how much you love home till you leave it. When they hug you too hard and you bite your tongue and try to remember to breathe and not let the heat behind your eyes fall yet cause you know it won't stop. When they shut the door behind them and the car pulls out and they're gone. And you can't stand that you won't be there for the clogging performances, basketball games, rainy Saturday afternoons, the family devotions, math lessons, the fights, the competitions for showers, watching Jeopardy at night, campfires, sleepovers, Dad's days off, and every other in between. And the end of a good thing hurts so bad, because it was a good thing. It was so good. And that's how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be different now, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

Because your little sister is crying and insisting on one more hug and Mom's trying to keep it together and your brother keeps saying he'll see you soon and Dad's saying how much he loves you. And everything new is wonderful and good but it doesn't keep you from sitting on your bed in your room with the door closed blurring pages of your journal with tears.

every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. james 1:17.

behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. isaiah 43:19.

he has made everything beautiful in its time. ecclesiastes 3:11.

no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him. 1 corinthians 2:9.

through my eyes: uganda

for those of you who don't know, I'VE BEEN IN UGANDA.

I went through a wonderful organization called Amani Baby Cottage, got to love on and be loved by 2-5 year old girls, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I could. lots of people have been asking me about it, though, and I've been gone so long I felt like I should have something to show for my absence. so here we go: some raw journal entries so maybe you can get a little glimpse of uganda through my eyes. sorry in advance for the run on sentences that never end lol.

6.15.18 It smells like an open fire and chicken over roasted and dark feet on red dirt baked dry by the sun. It smells like smoke and dust, hanging and choking like a cloud in the night. It sounds like motorcycles and horns and locals talking fast and music flying by the window too loud, passing bar after bar. It feels like bleak futures and broken dreams or none at all. It feels like it's too late. Romans 5:8. Ephesians 2:4-8. 1:49 am.

6.19.18. Mama Rosemary, Mama Betty, and Mama Dorothy came up with a Ugandan nickname for me. Balunje: good, beautiful, altogether.

6.21.18. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. 1 Corinthians 1:27-29. mE.

6.22.18. how the kids say "How are you?" like "Ow ah yoo?"

6.23.18. Sarah pointing at the moon, saying that it was America, and that she's going to go there on a plane one day.. "You going to Merica?"

6.24.18. Davide picking flowers on the walk to church and giving them to me to put in my hair. I SAW THE NILE RIVER.

6.25.18. "Auntie Olivia you no see me. Ah notta heeya." except a thousand times a day.

6.27.18. Rosie climbing on my back, hugging my neck, and singing I have decided to follow Jesus at the top of her lungs during bath time. Danny kissing me on the neck and laughing when I acted surprised.

6.29.18. Hearing "Myzungu!" aka white person and stares following you everywhere you go in town.

6.25.18. Sarah taking a picture with me and surprising me with a kiss on the cheek. HOW CAN I LEAVE HER.

6.27.18. Even in laughter the heart may ache. Proverbs 14:13.

6.30.18. Joram: "Auntie I love you."

7.1.18. Brianna holding my hand wanting me to come swing with her, but me telling her I can't because Auntie gave me a project to do but I love her. Her, looking at me considering, gives my hand a kiss and lets go. Help.

7.1.18. It's hard to describe orphan care in a third world country to someone who's never done it before. Because one minute it's bath and bed time and everyone's sweaty and tired except the kids who are way too excited after playtime and you're trying to dry off soaking wet babies but all the other kids are jumping all over your back butt naked and happy screaming after peeing. And then another minute you open the door and they're running at you with their arms open wide yelling, "Auntie! Auntie! Even me! Pick up me!" And you just love them so much it hurts and it breaks your heart in every way you never knew it would. And you learn sometimes you can't fix every broken thing or heal every hurting heart, but you can always love with everything you've got.

7.2.18 Holding brown faces in my hands and crying and smiling and trying to tell them I love them and I have to go now but it's too hard to speak and they're smiling confused at why my face is all funny and teary. Long hugs and knowing the words left unsaid and loving till it aches deep in your chest like it'll never go away.

something

I want to write something
about the healing and
the hurting
but I'm too lost in between
and I'm starting to wonder
if they're not maybe
the same thing

Where does one stop
and another begin

I'm starting to think
both come at once
on the gentle waves
of an untamed Grace

finished

why do the failures never end

why do I always think that it depends on me

why do I hide in my shame when You died that I might be free from it

why do I let myself think that it's in my power to reverse what You have called

"finished"

because even in my lowest acknowledgement of my depravity

if it keeps me from running to You it's still pride

thinking I can do it on my own 

or that there's anything in me that could mend the brokenness that I've caused

that I'm the exception

"He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all-"

no, not me

He didn't know how bad I would be

do I really think I know better than You?

any holding back from You is an insult to the sacrifice You made in order to have intimacy with me

"come to Me"

You say it again and again

and I come

only after staying away

stubborn and reluctant and unworthy

but, Jesus, I come

"let me only be a servant"

but no, You say

no, again and again

You patiently, faithfully, mercifully, lovingly,

remind me of the gospel I am so quick to forget

yes, I'm undeserving, a million times yes

but it's not about me

Your Son died on a cross with nails through His hands and feet

hammered in by my own soft, un-scarred ones

with a crown of thorns shoved down upon His head

woven by the faithless hands of His creation

He chose this that His worth, holiness, deserving

might be mine

"I will remember your sins no more"

oh, God, how soon I forget

how dare I suggest that Your life, love, death, and resurrection

is insufficient, not enough for me

help me to cast off the burdens 

You have already borne for me

this guilt and shame has already been paid for

this weight is not mine to shoulder

"you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,

but the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out 'abba! father!'"

Father, help me to embrace who I am in You

a daughter with a greater inheritance of joy than I can imagine

more deeply known and loved than I can know

help me fall down on my knees before You

and rise up again in worship

help me give my life and my all for You

it's all for You

excerpts of life

everyone keeps doing all these posts about high school and graduation and what they've learned and all this stuff, but I don't know. at the end of graduation day I wasn't thinking of everything I've learned. I was too busy taking in all the love. and it all just hit me that day. and I wrote messy in my journal late at night,
everything is so good and I'm too scared to think about it or I'll cry cause beginnings mean endings and time slips by so fast and I don't know how to love people well enough yet. what if I've lived all this time and they haven't seen Jesus yet? and I just thought, what could I ever give back- to mom and dad, my family, my friends/soulmates, my Savior, the Giver of every good and perfect gift? I mean, I guess, my life. but I guess I could start with a grateful heart, too. so, here's some memories of the week of graduation that fill me up all over again. john 1:16.

too many people crammed in a car music blasting, running to dollar general, hot air sweeping in through the open windows, watching baseball drowsy at dusk, volleyball barefoot in the sand at night.

laying in bed at night, talking about Jesus and the Bible, drinking tea, and realizing how real and alive and personal and powerful He is.

nachos and dip and ice cream and cookies and strawberries dipped in chocolate and laughter and talking with a constant background of guitar playing.

sitting in the dark with the power off, listening to good music, refusing to go to sleep, prank calls and hysterical laughter over nothing.

the way I could hear his smile over the phone at night when the stars were bright and my eyes were bleary.

writing stuff too personal to post on here but it's okay cause this poem.

eating samoas and driving unfamiliar country roads with wet hair and late sun on my bare arms, and how the sky changed to pink and purple fading to dark behind the trees, thunder rumbling complacent in the distance.

hitting up sketchy mexican restaurants pre-graduation rehearsal.

riding in the back of the truck to the baseball field with the cousins before it got too dark to see to hit.

not being able to stop smiling during the recessional because I'M DONE.

that He who promised is faithful.

//

sorry I've been gone so long. I think I'm back for good now.

I love you all for sticking around. :''')

gone

how do you get used to the absence of a person
what do you do when they're gone
and even after they're gone for all this time
they're still gone
how do you cope with the fact that they're not coming back

I don't know I don't know I don't know

because no one's looking
no one's praying for him any more
and he's still not back

what do you do when there's no words to pray
and no reason to plead that he'll stay
when he's already gone

I don't know
how
or
why
or
what
to
do

it's too dark to see

 for in this hope we were saved; but hope that is seen is no hope at all.

who hopes for what he can already see?

now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen

for we walk by faith not by sight

so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. 

for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future

romans 8:24. hebrews 11:1. 2 corinthians 5:7. 2 corinthians 4:18. jeremiah 19:11.

 

oh it's too late to be writing this

its late on an early june summer night
it's actually almost morning
the thunder sounds like the thunderstorm in the sound of music
and the rain sounds like my childhood pounding on my tin roof
my lights feel like christmas lights
and i should be sleeping
my sister's moving out soon and i don't know whether to think about it or not or if it matters either way
she's living close by and i'll see her often and i'll visit hourly i'm sure and
oh it's too late to be writing this
oh well

but it won't be the same
we won't be having a sleepover every night
i won't be the one she randomly decides to watch lord of the rings or disney movies or netflix with
we won't be able to send each other pins from the next room over and hear the other laughing at them through the half open door
we won't be able to fall sleep to the sound of the fan in between our two rooms, muffling the sounds of our laughter, not quite smothered
we won't have our bathroom seshs, getting ready for bed at night
singing in the shower
she won't randomly come in my room and slouch into a chair and sit in a silence so at rest that comfortable sounds too obvious a word for it
she won't be here to harass me about cleaning the bathroom, to tease the younger kids, to cry silently laughing over inside jokes from when we were twelve
to discuss books, to stalk on instagram, to do and talk about every thing with
to be together
i don't know

it'll be good
but it'll kinda suck

idk
i keep feeling like maybe i should be crying when i think about it but for some reason i'm not
maybe i'm too tired
maybe it's just okay
and i realize that
but maybe i just still haven't realized it
and it'll hit me that last night that last minute before she walks down the aisle
and shoot.
she's there. and it's over. and she's gone.

ya know what maybe i should just not think of the fox and the hound song. when you're the best of friends. maybe if i just do that i'll be okay. maybe not though.
i still don't know what i think, but God's working good and he's turning us to gold and it's all Good.

man, thunder's loud when it rumbles. maybe that's God rumbling quietly reminding me that he controls the storm. ooh. that was a crash. maybe it's more important than a quiet one. He's holding it all in His loving, scarred hands.

just went to my devotional that i was supposed to do today as i closed all my tabs down and the first verse on there was proverbs 1:33 "but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster" well now i'm crying

come at me bro // 2016

So little update on life before getting started on a few new years resolutions, which I usually don't do, but I'm feeling kind of motivated about this. I want to make some changes this year. For one thing, I applied for and have an interview for my first official job as a shelver at the local library. It's super cute ft open brick, downtown, and all the people are really sweet, so pls pray I get it. I also sprained my wrist ice skating yesterday which was sad cause I had to miss Star Wars afterwards but ok. So happy though cause we really thought it was broken and it was super swollen, but now I have a splint and it's ok. In other news I got a yoga mat and an eno and money for a mountain bike so maybe I'll actually do things this year hahahahahha. I slept in the eno a few days after christmas in the woods with cousins and bros because NC's 70 degree weather??? Also, got a teapot and waffle maker and have been drinking plenty of tea and eating plenty of waffles.

So there you go. 2015 was a great year. Actually a really great year. Maybe even my best yet. I finished my first semester of community college, got baptized, went on my first missions trip, got my permit, went on first road trip with sis to Florida to see baes, sister met her soulmate and got engaged (?!♥) and lots of other stuff. There were a lot of changes, renewal of old friendships, deepening of relationships, and lots of growth. So, now I feel really thankful and I can't handle it. I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH.

// a few minor resolutions //
>> do yoga daily + gym membership ???
>> put away social media on Sundays
>> put away all electronics at least an hour before bed
>> take 5 minutes to write my flow of thought at the beginning of each day for perspective + more journaling
>> dessert on the weekends only lol maybe
>> be more informed on current events + listen to or read the briefing by Albert Mohler daily
>> set strict sleep schedule (!!!)
>> cook dinner at least once a week 
>> stand up while doing school work
>> go outside daily even for short walk
>> prayer journal every single day + talk to God about my anxieties and doubts and fear don't be afraid to get real with the One who knows my every thought and loves me the same
>> write out schedule/to do list for next day the night before
>> set my mind on things above + shine brighter for Christ (there's this verse romans 13:12 and you should go look it up)

Okay. I think that's it (although I'll definitely think of a lot more things that I want to add later and may or may not edit the post to add). SO PLEASE TELL ME CAUSE I NEED INSPIRATION, do you have any resolutions?? Or do any of these sound like something you'd like to do?

ps. You all have been a fantastic part of my year. All of you are lovely inside and out and make the world a better place. ^-^ Every single one of your comments brightens my day. You guys make me feel good about writing and make me happy that I decided to stick with this old blogging idea. (esp last post I was so nervous posting and yalls comments just lkjaflkjdsl) So thank you all a million times and best wishes for the greatest year yet <3 <3

love is

recently i've been struggling a lot with loving people.
that sounds so simple. it's not, guys. i mean it is, but it's really hard. it's really been showing in how i use my words lately too. if you've been following along with my instagram lately, you'd see that this past week i've started a devotional on the fruits of the spirit. this week was (supposed to be) love. just gonna be honest right here..... *cringe*.. i only really did it half the days i was supposed to. gah.
my plan for the days was this..
day 1: what is love?
day 2: God's love for me
day 3: love for God
day 4: love for God's people
day 5: love for my enemies
just that first monday was so convicting and good. i just went in depth to 1 corinthians 13:4-8. i just looked at every aspect of what God says love is, and it broke me. just read these and ask yourself how it compares to your life and words and thoughts?
love is patient.
love is kind.
love does not envy or boast.
love is not angry or rude. 
love does not insist on his own way.
love is not irritable or resentful.
love does not rejoice at wrong doing but rejoices with the truth.
love bears all things.
love believes all things.
love hopes all things.
love endures all things.
love never ends.
is that what my love looks like to others? my family? my friends? a watching world? to God? this just hit me where i am right now. lately i have not been characterized by patience and unconditional, more by selfishness and irritability. those last four lines just got me. my love has been so conditional lately when God says true love never ends. it just hit me harder when i considered the love of God for me on day 2. his love is
committed, eternal, steadfast // jeremiah 31:3, isaiah 54:10, lamentations 3:22
patient, unconditional // exodus 34:6 
sacrificial, selfless // john 15:13, romans 5:8, john 3:16, galatians 2:20
transforming // 1 john 4:19, 2 corinthians 5:14, revelation 3:19, john 13:34, proverbs 3:12, 1 corinthians 8:3, hebrews 12:6
like wow. he has been all these things to and for me in my sin and unworthiness. how can i not be this to those who have "wronged" me, even those who love me?!
ok i have to run to church, but sorry for the unplanned break i've been taking recently. i miss all of you :') what does love mean to you? and which fruit of the spirit is most difficult for you? i think it's pretty much all of them for me. hahahahahaha but really though.

choose joy

DISCONTENT // I actually wrote my last post at one o'clock this morning after finishing my paper. I actually took this picture over a month ago. I didn't even do the farewell coffee date for the blogtember challenge that I'd been looking forward to since I started the challenge. It's been raining for like 7 days straight. I'm in the library study room. Again. I haven't done devotions today. I've told people I'll pray for them lately and haven't carried through as I should. I want tea. My alarm didn't go off this morning so I woke up late and couldn't shower and woke up irritable because I only had time for a half a bagel for breakfast and probably looked like death. I didn't have time to print out my paper so I was going to do it in class but then we switched classrooms so I had to go to the library and try to figure it out after class time had started and then I forgot my wallet so I had to go back to the classroom and get a quarter and borrow someone else's quarter and it took forever. My family is getting a cold again and I'm sick of being sick. And also a hurricane is on it's way so it's sure to rain consistently for at least another three days. Plus my face is breaking out. Oh and midterms are next week.

CONTENT // On the other side of things, I chose to stay up later than I had to after finishing my paper, just for self care purposes. And it was actually a really renewing time for me. I turned on a sleep playlist, wrote from my heart, pinned the good stuff, and talked a bit to my lovely blogger friend Evelyn. It felt good and I was happy. The coffee date thing is okay- that was the point of my doing the challenge- not to write every single day, but to be inspired to write more. And I did. I wrote 9 posts in September. I would never have made time for those posts without those prompts. I would have completely neglected you all with my ridiculous schedule, but the truth is when I prioritize and work hard, I can do a lot. Maybe not all, but a lot. Also, I like rain actually. And I love the library actually. And God's grace is sufficient for the many, many, countless times that I fail to keep him first. And I can have tea when I get home and it can be lovely if I make it so. The whole paper thing wasn't as bad as it sounds. I survived. Last week when I was sick I got over it in like two days. So I can chill about being sick. A hurricane provides the perfect opportunity for a destressing, family and Jesus filled weekend at home. I can recharge. And I can study, but I can manage my time and make it the best. About midterms- I'll be okay. And after that is fall break. And a weekend of movie nights, coffee shops, and picnics with friends, face-painting for kids, and the week after that a day trip to the mountains with the fam. Also I bought a cookie today, and we discovered a flawless coffee shop downtown. God is ridiculously good.

I spent all day thinking in discontent. Only when I sat down and wrote out this post did I realize how messed up that worldview was. I started this post not planning on having a paragraph on contentedness. Even when I started writing that second paragraph I was writing for the good of my readers- I didn't want you all to leave depressed! But I didn't realize that I needed it just as much as my readers. Probably more. That's part of why I love the blogging community so much. Sitting down and just starting to write some of these things out clears my thoughts so much. It provides accountability and community and turns my thoughts to Jesus.

Today I choose joy. 

What about YOU? What does your life look like when you evaluate it in these terms? What has the blogging community done for you? And what do you do to destress or relax? Any TV shows I should look into? I'll need some tips for this weekend rained in!

do not be afraid of them //

then i said “Agh Lord God! look, i don't know how to speak- i am only a youth”  
but the Lord said to me 
“do not say ‘i am only a youth’
for to all to whom i send you

you shall go
and whatever i command you

you shall speak.

do not be afraid of them
for i am with you to deliver you" 

jeremiah 1:6-7 //

did you get that? go back and read it all the way through if you found yourself skipping some words or just scanning it. i do that a lot. read it slowly. hear those words that are meant for you. 

do you hear yourself in jeremiah's voice? i do. it brings all my insecurities and fears to the surface. ever since like forever i've been shy and ever since like before forever i've been scared of and resistant to the idea of evangelism. sharing the gospel has always seemed like such a daunting thing to me. i was and am just like jeremiah. i use excuse after excuse after excuse. why? a lot of times it's because of one of these.

- fear of embarrassment

- fear of misrepresenting the gospel

- fear of rejection 

- fear of failure

are you noticing a trend? it's fear. i am afraid of so many things when God has already set all these fears to rest. look up these verses: psalm 118:6, hebrews 13:6, psalm 27:1, isaiah 43:1. really just google them right now. those are the words God gave you on the fear of man. paul was beaten and stoned and imprisoned and put to shame over and over and over for telling people about the God who loved them enough to die for them in order to give them life in perfection forever. here's what he said.

but I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed in us // romans 8:18

you know where that fear comes from? it comes from our enemy. the devil uses it time and time again to numb us and mute us so that God won't be glorified and so that his name won't spread and so that people millions and millions of individual humans will die and go to hell. that's a harsh reality to face. don't let fear be the reason you don't tell people about the life that Jesus gives.

but how in the world do you overcome fear? fear is so powerful. but you know what's more powerful? Love. God's love is all-encompassing and safe and so full of grace. 

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear. // 1 john 4:18

love God and love people. it's that simple. love God enough to really take up your cross and follow him. live the life of a servant that Jesus did. give freely of yourself for Christ's sake. and give freely of yourself for the lost and broken souls around you. love them enough to get past yourself. go out of your comfort zone and speak the raw, beautiful truth to them. show them the love Christ showed to you. and for the love of God in the most respectful way please don't stand off in pride, too disgusted by their sin to draw near to them. Jesus ate with the lowest of people: prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, and all who were seen as unclean.i see this attitude of hypocrisy and pride in myself all the time. "yeah, i'm a sinner, but not like them. i'm not that bad." this is so incredibly contrary to the truth and beauty of the gospel. do i not remember?

neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,
nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. and such were some of you. but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit. // 1 corinthians 6:11

and this is where love comes in again and again as it always does. in all cases and

above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. // 1 peter 4:8

so, back to the original trail of thought: speak truth in love and share the gospel. think about the individuals around you. remember how empty and dark your life was before Christ came in and filled the emptiness of your life and shed light in all the dark places- that's how they're living. and that's how they will keep living until they find Jesus. and they can't find Jesus unless someone tells them about him. and if they don't find Jesus they will live and die and live in eternity in misery and torment separated from God forever.

so now read the text over. and listen to what he says.

do not say 'i am only a youth'

and you will go 

and you will speak

and do not be afraid of them

and then read those and think about the reasons he gives after each command. and realize that evangelism isn't an option. i don't know why i always see it as that. it's a command. so, go, and speak, and do not be afraid of them cause God is with you and he is with you to deliver you. he is faithful when we are faithless. trust in him<3

3 kinds of friends i'm thankful for

from my party that i decided not to do a post on as it's been over a month. SORRY.

I just have a lot of feels. This might be a sentimental post guys. Sorry in advance.
Anyway, it's the last day of august and a lot of my people have been off to college for weeks. But this past weekend we all got together for the day and I just had too many feels today to not write this post even though I should be doing school, but anyway, let's get this started.
1// friends i can serve with
We woke up at 6:30, drove about an hour, and then served together for about 5 hours on a Saturday morning and it was the funnest Saturday morning I've had in a long time. By far. Granted by 1 o'clock our throats were coated in a layer of dust and our skin was scratched and bruised and we were covered in sweat and dirt and arms were sore from ripping up layers on layers of carpet, but it was just so rewarding and it made me unreasonably happy. 
2// friends i can do anything with
After serving, we crashed at one of our houses and almost fell asleep beside each other before the food was ready. We spent a ridiculous amount of time in the pool making whirlpools and shooting each other with water guns. We played basketball and tag on kids toys literally for hours. We ate popsicles, defied zip line speed limits, and shot each other with Star Wars Lego guns, sprawled out in the middle of the floor. We blasted music on the way home with the windows down waving at each other from the others cars and singing at the top of our lungs as the wind snatched our words away. We finally met at the church before all heading home and ended up staying talking and laughing far louder than acceptable, tears in our eyes, gasping for air, barefoot on the black asphalt as dusk fell slowly, too fast. I think we hugged each other goodbye 3 times when we knew we'd see each other the next morning.
3// friends i can be myself with
The ones you can sing the national anthem with, discuss favorite TV shows, and Tolkien theories with. The ones you can flop down on the couch with in an exhausted, comfortable silence. The ones who make ice breaker games okay. And the ones who make ripping up filthy carpet, prying at door trim, hauling old furniture, and killing several spiders in the process, the highlight of your week. the ones who end up becoming fam. *cue picture riding tricycles and scooters*

Anyway, what kind of friends are you guys thankful for? Or what kinds do you wish you had? And what kind do you want to be? On another note, trying to keep up to schedule on my posts- this school year has me thrown for a loop. Any tips? OH AND PS 50TH POST RIGHT HERE 🎉🎉🎉

community /

Okay, so I'm going to try to make this as short and to the point as possible, because it's already late and I want to go to bed. I just want to get some feels out of my system.

Last week I went on a week long local missions trip with my church. I was not incredible optimistic. I looked at the list of people going and how much I would be required to go out of my comfort zone and I was prideful and stubborn. I refused to trust in God and his promises and hand my worries over to him.

But then the missions trip started. And we worked for hours straight in 100 degree weather in the mud and the humidity and we went out to the mall and talked to strangers about our Savior and we were hot and sweaty and gross and exhausted. And we were happy. Because we got to work hard with our hands and serve with our hearts and strive to pour love into these lost people, and these kids with such broken lives. 

And then we slept at the church. And we played hide and seek with all the lights turned out. We played round robin for hours, and we cheered, and we yelled. We sang at the top of our lungs and pounded the beat on the top of the van. We laughed, and we cheered, and we sang, and we prayed. And every night the bonds grew a little closer, and we loved a little stronger. 

And now the week's over. And I miss them all so much. And now that it's over- it's only now that I realize how starved I was for that fellowship. That sense of community that you can only get from being with God's people. I was lonely, but I was too blind to even admit it. But God filled those empty places in a way that I couldn't understand and- guys, God is just so good. I find myself almost subconsciously looking forward to when I can see my people again. Because they are my people. God's people are my people; they're my brothers and sisters, and God taught me that in a new, firsthand way last week. 

So, all that being said, if you're a Christian and you find yourself left searching for that sense of community, take a chance. Reach out to those people around you on a deeper, more meaningful level. I mean, really think about it, what are you waiting for? College? Someone to reach out to you? You be that person; be the friend that you want in someone else. And if you don't go to a solid church somewhere- Christians were meant to be in God's house and with his people. If there's any way for you to get involved, church is, at least should be, the safest place you can be.

But, in the end, where flawed people fail you- remember your Savior. Remember who you're best, most faithful, and never failing friend is: Jesus. He will truly never leave you or forsake you. "for behold I am with you always- even to the end of the age."