Friday, January 26, 2018


why do the failures never end
why do I always think that it depends on me
why do I hide in my shame when You died that I might be free from it
why do I let myself think that it's in my power to reverse what You have called


because even in my lowest acknowledgement of my depravity
if it keeps me from running to You it's still pride
thinking I can do it on my own 
or that there's anything in me that could mend the brokenness that I've caused
that I'm the exception

"He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all-"

no, not me
He didn't know how bad I would be
do I really think I know better than You?
any holding back from You is an insult to the sacrifice You made in order to have intimacy with me

"come to Me"

You say it again and again
and I come
only after staying away
stubborn and reluctant and unworthy
but, Jesus, I come
"let me only be a servant"
but no, You say
no, again and again

You patiently, faithfully, mercifully, lovingly,
remind me of the gospel I am so quick to forget

yes, I'm undeserving, a million times yes
but it's not about me

Your Son died on a cross with nails through His hands and feet
hammered in by my own soft, un-scarred ones
with a crown of thorns shoved down upon His head
woven by the faithless hands of His creation
He chose this that His worth, holiness, deserving
might be mine

"I will remember your sins no more"

oh, God, how soon I forget
how dare I suggest that Your life, love, death, and resurrection
is insufficient, not enough for me

help me to cast off the burdens 
You have already borne for me
this guilt and shame has already been paid for
this weight is not mine to shoulder

"you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,
but the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out 'abba! father!'"

Father, help me to embrace who I am in You
a daughter with a greater inheritance of joy than I can imagine
more deeply known and loved than I can know

help me fall down on my knees before You
and rise up again in worship

help me give my life and my all for You
it's all for You

Monday, January 8, 2018


and maybe the day will come when you have to say goodbye
to the memories that kept you up at 1 am smiling into your sheets
to the scrawled pages of your journal full of inadequate words
to the long list of music that he sent you over the years
to the laughter coming through the speaker on your phone
to the too long eye contact and the too long hugs and the too long looks from everyone around

and then he'll meet someone, and he'll be telling you about her like he always does
and suddenly you'll think "oh, wait. this is the one."
and you always knew it would happen, but not this soon
and it all happens so fast and you're too happy for words cause you see the way his eyes light up when he talks about her and how suddenly his words are the inadequate ones trying to describe her to you
but you're still so sad because you love the way he's smiling right now and how he says your name when he talks about something serious

and you'll be at his wedding and he'll give you a hug at the reception before they leave
and you'll be crying happy tears along with everyone else
they'll wave goodbye as they drive off and he'll be happy
but you'll say goodbye as they drive off barely moving your lips so that just a cloudy breath of air dissolves in the cold and it'll be over
and maybe you'll be just fine