Wednesday, June 8, 2016

oh it's too late to be writing this

its late on an early june summer night
it's actually almost morning
the thunder sounds like the thunderstorm in the sound of music
and the rain sounds like my childhood pounding on my tin roof
my lights feel like christmas lights
and i should be sleeping
my sister's moving out soon and i don't know whether to think about it or not or if it matters either way
she's living close by and i'll see her often and i'll visit hourly i'm sure and
oh it's too late to be writing this
oh well

but it won't be the same
we won't be having a sleepover every night
i won't be the one she randomly decides to watch lord of the rings or disney movies or netflix with
we won't be able to send each other pins from the next room over and hear the other laughing at them through the half open door
we won't be able to fall sleep to the sound of the fan in between our two rooms, muffling the sounds of our laughter, not quite smothered
we won't have our bathroom seshs, getting ready for bed at night
singing in the shower
she won't randomly come in my room and slouch into a chair and sit in a silence so at rest that comfortable sounds too obvious a word for it
she won't be here to harass me about cleaning the bathroom, to tease the younger kids, to cry silently laughing over inside jokes from when we were twelve
to discuss books, to stalk on instagram, to do and talk about every thing with
to be together
i don't know


it'll be good
but it'll kinda suck

idk
i keep feeling like maybe i should be crying when i think about it but for some reason i'm not
maybe i'm too tired
maybe it's just okay
and i realize that
but maybe i just still haven't realized it
and it'll hit me that last night that last minute before she walks down the aisle
and shoot.
she's there. and it's over. and she's gone.

ya know what maybe i should just not think of the fox and the hound song. when you're the best of friends. maybe if i just do that i'll be okay. maybe not though.
i still don't know what i think, but God's working good and he's turning us to gold and it's all Good.

man, thunder's loud when it rumbles. maybe that's God rumbling quietly reminding me that he controls the storm. ooh. that was a crash. maybe it's more important than a quiet one. He's holding it all in His loving, scarred hands.

just went to my devotional that i was supposed to do today as i closed all my tabs down and the first verse on there was proverbs 1:33 "but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster" well now i'm crying

56 comments:

  1. Oh, dear. This made my heart ache.
    I wish you well on this new path of you and your sister's life.

    Isaiah 54:10 ~
    For the mountains may depart
    and the hills be removed,
    but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

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    1. OH MY GOODNESS, AVA. YES. this is one of my favorite verses ever; thanks for your words xxx

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  2. I relate to late night thoughts that are hard to think but important to think because wOW THE END OF THE POST. IT FLOWS WITH THE PEACE OF GOD AND I WANT TO HUG YOU SO BAD. change is hard love, but remember that there's so much more in these coming years than your sister moving out. you have no idea what He has planned for your beautiful Jesus-filled life.

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    1. WOW HUGGING YOU OVER THE INTERNET SO HARD RIGHT NOW. RIGHT? IT COMPLETELY SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING WHOA. yes, I need that reminder constantly- to remember the big picture and not get caught up in the moment. thank you for this evelyn :')

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  3. Oh my goodness. Olivia. This was SO BEAUTIFUL. liKE....I'm somewhat speechless right now what are words. Oh wait they're those little things you just strung together to create perfection.
    This was so incredibly raw and honest and I adored it. Like I feel like I know your sister now xD I know this is so crazy hard but I know that God has even greater things in store for both of you. And since she'll still be nearby, those hourly visits can always happen;) <3<3 xx so much love for you

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    1. GAH WHY ARE YOU SO SWEET. wow goals if you feel like you know her :') also, thanks for that reminder :') always need that. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  4. Wow. This was an awesome read, and interesting for me to think about. I'm sort of on the other side of this. I'm the sister that's leaving and it's weird.
    I can see how close you are to your sister in this post, and I think that, even though things are changing, your relationship will remain strong through it all. Just in a different way.
    It's amazing what we think about when it's too late to be writing. Thank you for your beautiful words, Olivia. :)

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    1. Whoa, that's so cool/interesting. :) You're so right, and I'm sure I'll love the relationship despite the changes just as much! SO TRUE. late night writing is kind of the best. it gets real, haha. Thank you for yours, Hannah <3

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  5. Woah. I honestly feel like I can relate so much to this. The other year one of my closest friends got married, and she moved three hours away from here. I remember how hard it was, and I didn't really even think that much about until like the next week when I realized that I wouldn't be able to see her whenever I needed to, or talk to her in person like we used to, or do anything like it USED to be, because it all changed. Especially at the beginning of the summer after she got married it was like woah. she's gone.
    so i sort of get what you're feeling. but honestly, one thing i've learned is that God does have one crazy awesome plan up His sleeve, it's just trusting Him for it. So that even when it seems like everything else is gone, He's still there. And your sister will still be close, so you guys can still hang out with each other and visit sometimes <3 i loved this post so, so much, olivia =)

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    1. OH WOW. AUTUMN THANKS FOR SHARING THIS xx yesssssssssssss. that is such a reassuring reminder. thank you so much :'))))))) <3

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  6. oh my word I want to just cry rn. I want to just cry and weep in a puddle on the floor, Olivia. Oh my gosh.

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    1. this is beautiful. The sound of music thing, and the rain being your childhood on the roof, and I was about to lose it when you mentioned the song from the fox and the hound (literally typoed that as "the fox in the hound"...things just reached a new level. XD)

      there's a bond with sisters that's not like anything else. Nothing in this world. I so feel what you're talking about, because Abbs and I have such a similar relationship. And man, like...just the feels from this.

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    2. HAHAHA fox in the hound is literally the way I pronounce it every time XD
      YES. you are SO right. so special and unique :') thankful that I even have the opportunity to have a relationship like this. thanks so much for commenting and saYING SO MANY NICE THINGS x

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  7. Wow.

    So I think I can say I relate. Except my sister didn't get married.. She just moved out and made a whole lot of wrong decisions.. She's still making them.. She was my best friend. I told her everything, we had inside jokes we would cry over, and we basically spent every waking moment together. I would just cry and cry and cry. Because not only did I lose my absolute best friend, I didn't know where she was, what she was doing, anything. It was a really, REALLY hard time for me. It still is sometimes. I don't know how I pulled through... But I did... It was hard and I completely get this. Now our relationship can't ever be what is was. And that hurts. This is probably such a sappy comment but sometimes just saying you understand helps more than anything. <3

    But have hope that your sister is close and you can visit her still! It may not be the same, and that will hurt, but it's not completely gone :)

    Much love and I'm praying for you, Olivia :)

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    1. oh my word Aaliyah. NO IT IS NOT A SAPPY COMMENT IT'S AN HONEST ONE AND IT HURTS MY HEART FOR YOU. thank you for sharing that, Aaliyah <3 praying for you tons. can't even imagine how hard that must have been. thanks for the encouragement and the understanding. so much love xxx

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    2. THANK YOU SO MUCH, MAN :''''') I'm okay now. I worry still but I'm okay. BUT THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR ME TONS :))

      ugh thank God for blog friends :) xoxo

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  8. This is so so special. You've got this. Because God's got you. :)

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  9. Oh gee, Olivia. That was so emotion-filled I almost cried.
    I may not have the relationship I can tell you had with your sister (me being the youngest with a three year gap between me and my older brother and five year gap between the next sister), but I can tell you that it's pretty hard, with both my own experiences and friends'.
    Just keep trusting in the Almighty Savior, and you will make it through. I'll be praying for you. <3

    Psalm 46:1-3
    "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

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    1. Oh my word, it can be so hard with friends moving away, too. Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers and these words and these verses. ugh <3 truth is so good to hear.

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  10. This is so beautiful, it sounds like you and your sister have such a nice relationship. I can only imagine how hard it would be to have to part with your sister. Stay strong <3

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment, arushee :') <3

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  11. Lovely late night thoughts. They are pretty sad though! I this is weird but I think of my sister moving out too and how sad that would be. We tag each other in Instagram posts! Here is the weird thing, she is younger than me by four years.
    Make sure to visit your sister a lot! I am sure she is just as sad as you are. I know I would be uncomfortable to move out of a home where I am loved and my best friend lives.

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    1. THANKS VANESSA. x that's actually a really good reminder!!!!!!!!!!! it's so easy to become too preoccupied with yourself that you don't even think about the feelings of the people around you. I'll remember this <3

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  12. this was so beautiful and just a roller coaster of emotions I cant. You have a magic wand that makes everything just sO amazingly beautiful, and I adore it.

    ~Noor

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    1. OH MY WORD NOOR. you make me feel so good about my writing. crying. thank you so much <3

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  13. *wipes tears* *starts sobbing again* OLIVIA I UNDERSTAND YOU. someday my big sister is going to leave me for some guy AND THAT JUST AIN'T NO FAIR! (excuse the double negative there..but it's just how I feel!!) but I knew you were sad about this whole thing from chatting with you IDK what it is, call it what you want BUT I KNEW. You poor dear..I'm glad she isn't moving far from you. :( I love how much you love your sister..it's precious! <3 <3

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    1. AWWWWWWWWW. right?! sisters>husbands ;) me too!!!! I don't even know what I would do if she moved far away!!!! thank you, Julia :') <3 FEELS.

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  14. This is so beautiful, and poignant. I don't want to think about when this day comes for my sister or I! (Maybe we'll just have an apartment and stay weird till we die lol). But a sisters bond can't just be broken, even if it changes a little. Whatever comes will still be wonderful, even if it seems like keeping life how it is would be just as wonderful <3

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    1. HAHAHAHA. that was 100% our back up plan if we never got married. it would be beyond fabulous. *praise hands emoji bc of what you're saying* that is so true. there's so much to look forward to :')

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  15. Wow, so beautiful and powerful and i loved it!! Sounds like you and your sister have something really special and something as special as that won't ever die. More good times await you!!

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    1. THANK YOU. <3 YOU ARE SO RIGHT. so much goodness to come, whether I can see it right now or not :')

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  16. WAIT ASDFGHJKLKJHGFDSDFGHJKL



    WAIT
    WAIT
    WAIT

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    1. DUDE FIRST I WANT TO SAY THAT I NEVER SAY I AM CRYING UNLESS I AM ACTUALLY CRYING (100% TRUTH RIGHT THERE<<<) THEN I WANT TO SAY



      I
      AM
      CRYING

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    2. there are literal tears coming out of my eyeballs right now. LIKE HOOOOOOOOOWWWW DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!? HOW????????????????????????I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

      it's seriously exactly what Katie said up there ^^^ like I can RELATE TO EXACTLY EVERYTHING you said here and it's sosososo scary and the numbness yes yes yes the numbness i know that i know that I KNOW THAT.

      <3

      wow.more tears.

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    3. i'm rly sorry for spamming but wow you just need to know how fabulously beautiful this is. like i need therapy now ok AND MY SISTER JUST WENT AWAY ON A SHORT TRIP SO THIS WAS EXACTLY THE WRONG TIME TO READ THIS.


      <//////////3

      ouchouchouch

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    4. WAIT HOW IN THE WORLD DID I MISS YOUR COMMENTS ABBIE YOUR COMMENTS BROKE ME BUT THEY WERE THE BEST THINGS EVER SORRY I MADE YOU CRY BUT THANK YOU SUCH LOVE <3

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  17. OWWW, okay this. This is SO deep and so honest and raw. And I so appreciate people like that. I understand 100% how you feel, even though it's not one of my family members. Being the oldest, I know that I'll experience this feeling but like from the other perspective. My sister and I get along so well and so I know it will be SOO SOO weird when it comes time for me to move out. (AGH).
    But anyways, I just saw this quote the other day that kinda described how I'm trying to handle the situation of loosing my best friend, my cousin and two of my best guy friends all in one year.
    "Letting go is the easy part. It's the moving on that's painful. So sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same. Things can't stay the same though. At some point you just have to let go, move on. Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow".

    Not saying that ya know we have to move on from people, but the stage of life that we are in; we have to let that go. It's too hard to do on our own though and we have to trust and lean on God to help us.
    I'm thankful that He is in control, but sometimes I don't understand why he takes people away.

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    1. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS COMMENT, LAUREN. IT MEANS SO MUCH. :')
      so much truth. ME TOO. <3 it's hard, but it's good, and He's in control. praying for you!!!!!!!

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  18. This is amazing, and I LOVE IT! I love the verse you shared!
    I so wish I had a sister! I have so many friends that have such a sweet, fun relationship with their sister, and I just really envy that.

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    1. Thank you so much, Clara, and me too :''''') SISTERS REALLY ARE THE BEST. sisters in christ are a pretty good substitute, though. ;)

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  19. these are the days when people seem too far away and your heart seems too sad. take a deep breath. a warm shower. cry those tears.

    and then let go. forgetting is not letting go. letting go is letting yourself move on. keep those memories in your pocket and look at them at 2pm on those sunny afternoons where everything is silent except the wind.

    (not to mention eat lots of ice cream and pray your heart out because that brings joy unspeakable. LAUGHS MY GUTS OUT. my tears are still not gone -- mourning the death of another hello. goodbyes hurt. praying and ice cream eating is still my daily schedule. i feel you.)

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    1. callyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
      i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
      this advice is everything. thank you thank you thank you :')
      LAUGHING AN CRYING AN PRAYING AN EATING ICE CREAM TILL THE DAY I DIE.
      THANK YOU <3

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  20. I LOVE the way you write... I'm glad I stumbled across your blog :) Keep it up <3

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    1. thank you, Sophie- you're so sweet!!!!!! :') <3

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  21. You are so wonderful. I love this.

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    1. My heart. You are wonderful-er. Thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  22. Oh girl... This is amazing, first of all. Heartfelt and lyrical and honest - makes my heart hurt.
    Second of all - that's tough. The half-losing people....it'll never get easier, but you'll get used to it, and the good parts will always be there, I promise. :)

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    1. THANK YOU. can't even handle that those words are coming from you :')
      ALSO THANK YOU. always needing that reminder :)

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  23. I feel for you, me and my sister are really close. I think it's going to break her heart when I move.

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  24. This post totally wrecked my heart. :''') Never stop writing! xx

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  25. Aww, I'm sorry you're "losing" your sister. I was super sad when both of my older sisters started going to school (even when though they're still living at home, the first semester they were on campus 12 hours a day two days a week and lot of hours the other days, so we didn't see them much) and it was so so hard. Them moving on and leaving me behind, almost. and I didn't realize how much I would miss them or how much things would just be *different.* Change is really, really hard, but in the end God uses it for our good, and we grow SO MUCH.

    This is super super sweet and it totally reminds me of my relationship with my sisters! ♥♥ (also congrats to her! Crazy new chapter of her life and how exciting!!)

    and hey, listen to a ton of good music because sometimes it helps bring out the tears. and tears are sometimes the best medicine! (; praying for you, lottie

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  26. Have been sporadically thinking of this since I read it, gosh. Still makes me wanna cry and gives me chills. Also, you should know that your writing is the kind that you think about and digest for days after; you're an artist with the words, Olivia, alright.

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    1. giiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllllllll you know what to say to me. this means so much thank you :''''''''''''''''''''''''')

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