oh it's too late to be writing this

its late on an early june summer night
it's actually almost morning
the thunder sounds like the thunderstorm in the sound of music
and the rain sounds like my childhood pounding on my tin roof
my lights feel like christmas lights
and i should be sleeping
my sister's moving out soon and i don't know whether to think about it or not or if it matters either way
she's living close by and i'll see her often and i'll visit hourly i'm sure and
oh it's too late to be writing this
oh well

but it won't be the same
we won't be having a sleepover every night
i won't be the one she randomly decides to watch lord of the rings or disney movies or netflix with
we won't be able to send each other pins from the next room over and hear the other laughing at them through the half open door
we won't be able to fall sleep to the sound of the fan in between our two rooms, muffling the sounds of our laughter, not quite smothered
we won't have our bathroom seshs, getting ready for bed at night
singing in the shower
she won't randomly come in my room and slouch into a chair and sit in a silence so at rest that comfortable sounds too obvious a word for it
she won't be here to harass me about cleaning the bathroom, to tease the younger kids, to cry silently laughing over inside jokes from when we were twelve
to discuss books, to stalk on instagram, to do and talk about every thing with
to be together
i don't know

it'll be good
but it'll kinda suck

idk
i keep feeling like maybe i should be crying when i think about it but for some reason i'm not
maybe i'm too tired
maybe it's just okay
and i realize that
but maybe i just still haven't realized it
and it'll hit me that last night that last minute before she walks down the aisle
and shoot.
she's there. and it's over. and she's gone.

ya know what maybe i should just not think of the fox and the hound song. when you're the best of friends. maybe if i just do that i'll be okay. maybe not though.
i still don't know what i think, but God's working good and he's turning us to gold and it's all Good.

man, thunder's loud when it rumbles. maybe that's God rumbling quietly reminding me that he controls the storm. ooh. that was a crash. maybe it's more important than a quiet one. He's holding it all in His loving, scarred hands.

just went to my devotional that i was supposed to do today as i closed all my tabs down and the first verse on there was proverbs 1:33 "but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster" well now i'm crying