boy to war

he looks like a man and a boy at the same time as he stands there in his uniform in the airport with a too big pack on his back
how can it already be time?
so many brothers, sons, lovers, and dads are being stolen away it seems like it should hurt less
but the ache is so personal and deep I wonder how the world can carry so much ache without splitting in two
it's time and I can tell he knows but he's still putting it off, vaguely hanging around
I go to give him a hug and he pauses for a second like he's surprised at how hard I hug him
oh, God, why didn't I hug him more often like I meant it?
I try to squeeze every unspoken word into that hug
I can't trust myself to speak I'm so scared of letting him see me cry, of letting him go
there's a lump in my throat the size of a baseball as he turns to walk away
"I love you" I manage to strangle out
he calls something out but I miss it in the chaos of boarding
but as he walks up the ramp he turns and waves and I catch his eye for a brief second
and my tears immediately blur the image into that of a ten year old going off to war
and I wonder at a world so dark that teenagers are sent to fight battles they don't understand and peace is only won at the cost of innocence

 

my writing recently has consisted of words I want to keep hidden in my notebooks for just me (anonymous letters with scribbles in between the margins and my heart somewhere in between the lines), so I'm gonna keep it to this- written months ago and completely inapplicable to my life right now. thanks. x

ps y'all's comments mean the world to me !!!