finished

why do the failures never end

why do I always think that it depends on me

why do I hide in my shame when You died that I might be free from it

why do I let myself think that it's in my power to reverse what You have called

"finished"

because even in my lowest acknowledgement of my depravity

if it keeps me from running to You it's still pride

thinking I can do it on my own 

or that there's anything in me that could mend the brokenness that I've caused

that I'm the exception

"He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all-"

no, not me

He didn't know how bad I would be

do I really think I know better than You?

any holding back from You is an insult to the sacrifice You made in order to have intimacy with me

"come to Me"

You say it again and again

and I come

only after staying away

stubborn and reluctant and unworthy

but, Jesus, I come

"let me only be a servant"

but no, You say

no, again and again

You patiently, faithfully, mercifully, lovingly,

remind me of the gospel I am so quick to forget

yes, I'm undeserving, a million times yes

but it's not about me

Your Son died on a cross with nails through His hands and feet

hammered in by my own soft, un-scarred ones

with a crown of thorns shoved down upon His head

woven by the faithless hands of His creation

He chose this that His worth, holiness, deserving

might be mine

"I will remember your sins no more"

oh, God, how soon I forget

how dare I suggest that Your life, love, death, and resurrection

is insufficient, not enough for me

help me to cast off the burdens 

You have already borne for me

this guilt and shame has already been paid for

this weight is not mine to shoulder

"you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,

but the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out 'abba! father!'"

Father, help me to embrace who I am in You

a daughter with a greater inheritance of joy than I can imagine

more deeply known and loved than I can know

help me fall down on my knees before You

and rise up again in worship

help me give my life and my all for You

it's all for You

maybe

and maybe the day will come when you have to say goodbye
to the memories that kept you up at 1 am smiling into your sheets
to the scrawled pages of your journal full of inadequate words
to the long list of music that he sent you over the years
to the laughter coming through the speaker on your phone
to the too long eye contact and the too long hugs and the too long looks from everyone around

and then he'll meet someone, and he'll be telling you about her like he always does
and suddenly you'll think "oh, wait. this is the one."
and you always knew it would happen, but not this soon
and it all happens so fast and you're too happy for words cause you see the way his eyes light up when he talks about her and how suddenly his words are the inadequate ones trying to describe her to you
but you're still so sad because you love the way he's smiling right now and how he says your name when he talks about something serious

and you'll be at his wedding and he'll give you a hug at the reception before they leave
and you'll be crying happy tears along with everyone else
they'll wave goodbye as they drive off and he'll be happy
but you'll say goodbye as they drive off barely moving your lips so that just a cloudy breath of air dissolves in the cold and it'll be over
and maybe you'll be just fine