Sunday, January 24, 2016

take my whole life too

if you wanna skip to the end, there's a song for this post. you can play it as a soundtrack while you read. also I was a little emotional writing this, sorry about that (and the messed up grammar that comes with it). oh, and I updated my about page (finally)! go ahead and check that out too. ok I'm gonna go *hands mic over to myself*
 //
tonight we talked with my great grandma for a long time about history, history that to her, is her life. it hurts because I can't go back. I can't know what it was like and it hurts because she'll be gone before I know it and that wealth of knowledge, and memories, and love, and life, and heartbreak- it'll be gone.
and there won't be anyone left to tell us about how she was 9 and woke up at 4 to weed the tobacco in the summer. or about how she and her 13 siblings used to build forts and see who could jump farthest across the creek. there won't be anyone to tell about that time she purposefully disobeyed her dad and led her friends and siblings and climbed the huge pile of straw and jumped to swing across the limb of a great old oak to the next stack and saw her daddy standing there between the two stacks and had a heart attack and shouted for the others and ran for her life. and then how he never mentioned it to them. how he never beat one of his kids in his life. there won't be anyone to tell how her daddy went down to the local store and talked with his friends nearly every saturday, how he always brought back candy to share. or how her younger brother Graham used to make faces at the dinner table behind her daddy's back so she'd laugh  while he remained perfectly straight faced and get in trouble and then try not to laugh and then make eye contact with a sibling and not be able to hold it in and then get in trouble again. there won't be anyone to tell how the flour was better then, how her biscuits aren't the same. how magical christmas time was during the great depression, how they all set shoe boxes out on the table to come downstairs in the morning to find them full. how their farm was always open to anyone with it's 10 girls and 4 boys, how people cared more about other people, enough to slow down.
there won't be anyone to tell what it was like getting married young, having her husband go off to world war II and writing letters everyday. what it was like to have him gone when her first girl was born, gone for christmas, gone for years. no one to tell what it meant to have a third child mentally handicapped, to still be caring for her at age 94. she won't be there to tell what it was to have her husband to die young. to have her firstborn, my nanny to die in her early forties from stage 4 breast cancer. Nanny, whose siblings don't remember ever having a bad word with her, whose kids never remember her losing her temper, who married her high school sweetheart. everyone who knew her says she was an angel on earth the most selfless and patient person they knew and I never got to meet her. she's the reason my dad cries every time he reads the end of voyage of the dawn treader. there won't be anyone to tell me what it is for nearly all your friends and siblings to die before you, what it is to be in so many funeral homes so many times. one day, she just won't be here anymore and it shatters my broken heart. she loves, and gives, and pours everything in her heart out on every little person that walks through her door. she's given me more than I could ever hope to give back. I want to give back. I want to listen, and I want to remember, and I want the world to know
that my grandma is one of the strongest, most beautiful, most loving giving hardworking incredible humans in the world. I want to write a book, I want to read a biography of her. she makes me want to remember it all.
maybe that's why I cried listening to twenty one pilots version of can't help falling in love. I didn't know why I was starting to cry. but I think it's cause a long time ago on the brink of my memory, my dad played and listened to and sang Elvis' version of the song when I was little. and it hurt cause I couldn't remember and it's sweet and it makes me sad that I won't remember all the beautiful beautiful things and memories that I've been given. and I want to. I love this messy, cracked, and broken life. I love it so much and I want to make the best of it. I want to be remembered for the little things that, in the end, became the biggest. I want to slow down I want to care and appreciate and not conform to the world. I'll always remember one thing she's said, "people say the world has changed, but it's not the world. it's the people." don't let the world change you. or as my Granny would say, don't let people change you. God, take my hand. take my whole life, too. cause I can't do any of this without you.


so y'all know i was crying lots writing this. like, I miss my nanny. even if I never had her to miss and even when I don't admit it. and I'm scared for when I start missing Granny. anyway, here's twenty one pilot's cover // listen to that while you read.. maybe it'll help. that's what I did while writing. love you all xx

26 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. this almost makes my top 5 fave comments bc that's like the best reaction i could ask of anyone <3

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  2. Blessings to you. Grieving a grandma is so hard and so worth it to remember, even though it hurts. My heart goes out to you!

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    1. My grandma actually died before I was born, but my great Grandma is still here with us <3 Thank you for your kind words!!

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  3. i did it. i played the song and i read your post, and it was emotional babe. your great grandma is an angel. her words and that quote are real truth mhmm. i somehow believe you when you say that she is the "strongest, most beautiful, most loving giving hardworking incredible human in the world" because i felt that those were words to describe her after i read what you wrote about her <3 about her waking up so early to work when she was so young or how she stayed strong despite facing so many deaths. she's wow. just wow.

    this was such a beautiful post. may He use us today to do little tasks and impact the world and other lives just like how your gran did ♥

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    1. oh gosh my heart is so full reading your comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you times a million for these words you're a beautiful soul xx and mhmm amen to that <3

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  4. my eyeballs are watering and i'm not even kidding when i say i'm crying too. i've been singing this song recently and as i played the song and read every single blessed word you wrote, i became a freaking bawling baby. man, i can't say how much i love this. bless you. bless you and your great grandma.

    i'm gonna give my grandmama and grandpa a hug now. i love you so much <3<3

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    1. WHAT you are so so lovely aslkdfjlsdjf. ugggh i don't have words for your words about my words <3 this means so much to me thank you and bless you and i love you :') <3

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  5. i'm crying. my comment is going to seem so superficial and it's not even going to brink on how much this means to me. i don't know how to pour out my deepest feelings into a typed comment, but here's the best i got.
    this is beautiful. i know i say that about a lot of things, but this IS beautiful. it makes me want to go hole up somewhere and cry. all of those memories...so haunting and dear. the moments i live now, the life i'm living and loving, will someday...will someday those memories be held dear by someone else? all those moments that you mentioned...they're the proof a life well lived. a life that wasn't wasted away, but rather held dear and LIVED.

    and really, that's the life i want to live. a life well lived. <33

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    1. WHAT AUTUMN AHH <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 YOU ARE TOO GOOD TO ME. thank you for this comment. i seriously think i died reading it. you just condensed like everything into a comment. YOU are beautiful :')

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  6. ok wow i love you. CAN I JUST DIVE THROUGH THE COMPUTER SCREEN AND GIVE YOU A BIG LONG HUG AND TELL YOU THAT IT'S GONNA BE OKAY?? I want to. like, so so bad. ♥ girl, this post is so beautiful because it's like a capsule of stuff drawn straight out of your heart. Death is messed up, screwed up, jacked up, and I don't know why it happens but I know that it's wrong and it doesn't belong. we were born for the blue skies, for the kingdom, for heaven on earth.

    Thank you for sharing all this, dear. and btw I think you should write that biography. ;) because I would read it and love it just like I read and loved this. ♥

    love,
    abbiee

    p.s. i love what you said about that song. like OUCH MY HEART. k going to check it out now.

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    1. ok wow i'm crying. YEAH YOU CAN PLS COME OVER. i literally actually dreamed that you and your sister were coming to my birthday party (which is in july???)the other night ???? isn't that just the weirdest??? like what is going on in my head that i came up with that in a dream??? ok sorry rabbit trail- BUT YES TRUTH UGH I might actually cry because I'm so ready for heaven on earth. lskjfdls. thanks for commenting it means so much :")
      ps. WHAT DID YOU THINK- also do you like twenty one pilots???

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  7. i almost started crying because seriously THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING OF LATE. i mean not quite because yours is more complicated and messy and beautiful. but i've been thinking about losing memories, mine, other peoples, of wanting to be known by kindness, by love, by patience, by not wanting to conform to the world, to not let the people make into a humdrum human. because i love this broken crazy life and I LOVE TOP'S COVER OF THIS ELVIS SONG. i've been singing it for months and literally LAST NIGHT, it struck me how amazing it was in the context of wanting JESUS to take my hand, yes, my whole life too.

    so i don't know what this comment even is besides agreeing with you. besides giving you a hug. besides telling you that you have the right mindset and only Jesus can help us accomplish all theses things.

    he can
    and he will.
    i love you olivia
    stay strong, child of our Father

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    1. WHAT ARE OUR MINDS LINKED>? yessssss and yesss to all of this you just read the words off my heart. UGH I love it so much and have not been able to get it out of my head for the past like month. LAST NIGHT?! um. is this Jesus or?? your comments are lovely and you are lovely and to me you are known by your kindness. i love you xxxxxx
      ps your last words made me think this- isn't it cool that we're, like, actually sisters???????? THAT'S SO COOL. JESUS IS SO COOL.

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  8. Oh my gosh. I'm honestly sitting here on the verge of tears, Olivia.

    I'm not even exactly sure what to type because anything I try will just sound so silly after the beauty of that post. But I know exactly what you're talking about; in fact similar thoughts were just going through my mind last night as I was lying in bed. And I just want to give you a gigantic hug right now because I don't have words and it's frustrating. I agree with Abbiee, you should write that biography. I love you. <3

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    1. **********HUGS*****************
      I'm dying that your words are an actual response to words I wrote :''''''''''''') I actually can't find it in myself to express what I'm feeling now, but just know that you are the actual sweetest and I am so grateful for your words!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you too <33

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    1. That one word was sitting there haunting me and looking cold so I'll just say that my heart is brimming right now... I feel this. You made me feel it.

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    2. MY HEART IS SO FULL I THINK IT ACTUALLY JUST EXPLODED. Thank you thank you thank you alkdjfldkjfsdlk I never had any thought that a comment like this would ever exist in response to this post. So many feelings. You are a beautiful human. Thank you xxx

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  10. Olivia. Like...I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU A GREAT BIG HUG RN. I listened to the song while reading this and I was starting to tear up and getting chills. This is beautiful, and know that you have articulated something into words that all of us feel; something that I felt when my grandma was alive in this world and used to tell me stories that I never wanna forget. All those comments above this one, because you have spoken something in our hearts.

    "God, take my hand. take my whole life, too. cause I can't do any of this without you." AND THAT. <3 perfection.

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    1. FLSKJFLKSDFJSKD. :''''''') THIS IS THE SWEETEST. You know that quote "We read to know that we are not alone"? After this post I feel like I write to know that I'm not alone because I THOUGHT I WAS and then all you beautiful humans commented and I cry :') THANK YOU FOR THIS KATIE <3 GAHH

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  11. I've only cried one other time reading a blog post. but this. this made me cry.
    Big hugs your way, dear. this way beautiful and my heart is full. Thank you for making me want to love the people around me more and remember how precious life is.

    XOXO.

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    1. OH MY WORD Are you serious that literally make my spirits soar like what. <3 That means so much to me like do you even know!!!!!!!!! Ugh, thank you for this xoxox

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  12. That cover is completely splendid. And I don't know what to say about your post, except I know that exact feeling of being sad over memories and people that aren't lost yet but will be someday. I don't know . . . maybe it's a common feeling for writers and storytellers? Because it's all the little details and moments (like climbing a straw pile) that shape a story.

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    1. <333333333333333333333333333
      I LOVE YOUR COMMENT SO MUCH.
      yesss thank you for this. you get me xx

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  13. Oh Olivia...this is so beautiful. I know exactly what you mean when you said you miss your nanny even though you never met her. That's how I feel about my still born brother that I never met. I miss him so much. I can't wait for the day I'll (Lord willing) meet him.

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