I thought I had to beg
When I was a child I used to
worry about the technicalities of it all–
wondering if I'd get left behind or forgotten
More so, that I'd be tossed aside
unwanted and unknown like
I'd always feared, that's why
When I got any chance
I tried painfully to be good
the fear lodged in my chest
But now I see the clouds break
and I get a little thrill, remembering
what I actually wanted as a child
I dreamed of being able to fly,
of galloping bare back across an open field
the wind making weird shapes of my shirt
I dreamed of pretty gowns
and jumping in the ocean
and a body that never got tired
I dreamed of being friends with the deer
finding the end of the rainbow, sleeping on clouds
and someone laughing at my jokes
But now I see how wrong I was about you
how you tell me it's not my fault
how you gave me these dreams to hold
And in time I remember you like a father
watching his only daughter ride laughing
into the wind on the horse you bought her
You smile because you know
what it's like to be denied,
forgotten, crushed underfoot
And you delight in dreams come true
and the pounding of a heart beating for joy
remembering how to be alive for the thrill of it
I believe in you like I believed in the
cotton candy clouds and the gentleness
of the spring shower, the barrenness of
The desert under a glorious sunrise
you will not rest until you
have made everything new
I see how you have made me tender
handing me my dreams, even better than I remembered,
when all along I thought I had to beg
– olivia gwyn
